Warning: Don’t wear heels to dinner


“Just try to keep your sentences 5 words long,” she says as she tries to straighten out the hideous tie she forced me to wear.

“Really Lyn?” I raise an eyebrow at her.

“Please Liam. For me?” she pleads fluttering her hazel eyes. She knows I can never say no to her.

“Fine.” I huff. “But don’t you think they’ll think I’m rude if I only speak in 5 word sentences?”

“They’ll think you’re rude if you use more than 5,” her brows are furrowed in concentration as she struggles to undo the untidy knot holding my tie in place.

“Then why bother? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. It’s a lot easier to do,” I argue.

“Liam,” she whines desperately. I move her hands gently away from the tie and grab a pair of scissors off her dresser. I cut off the tie right at the troublesome knot before she can stop me.

“There. Problem solved,” I say throwing the ruined piece of fabric on the floor.

“What’d you do that for?” she exclaims rushing to pick it up but it’s beyond salvaging.

“I hated the damn thing.”

“But now how are we going to go to dinner if you don’t have a tie?” she asks.

“I don’t need a tie. It’s bad enough you forced me into this suit and ridiculous shoes, the tie was really pushing it,” I tell her and immediately regret it when I see the hurt look on her face.

“Lyn…” I try to apologize but she turns away from me. Now I’ve done it. Me and my big mouth.

“I’m sorry about the tie. If I had another one I would wear it but I don’t and we don’t have enough time to buy one. I promise I’ll be on my best behavior and I’ll limit my sentences to ‘yes sir’ ‘thank you sir’ ‘the hors d’oeuvres were absolutely exquisite maam…” I’m cut off by her giggles as she turns back to face me and I smile happily at the woman I love.

“That last one was more than five words.”

“You can never adequately express the quality, or lack thereof, of a woman’s culinary skills with 5 words,” I tell her wrapping my arms around her waist.

“So many big words in one night. I should have Lainey invite us to dinner more often,” she says looking up at me with her chin on my chest.

“We should get going before I change my mind about this dinner and cut myself out of these dress pants,” I warn her and she laughs and pulls me out of her apartment.

The drive to her best friend’s house takes half an hour and Lyn spends most of the time singing along to her most recent favorite songs on her phone. I look over at her as she sings, using the car radio remote as a microphone and she begins to play an imaginary guitar and move her head around wildly, making her long black hair swing around her. Her eyes are shining bright and full of energy and her cheeks are rosy and flushed. She looks so beautiful singing into her makeshift microphone and I can’t help the stupid smile on my face.

We finally get to Lainey’s house and she practically tackles Lyn to the ground in a fierce hug as soon as she opens the door for us. You’d think they last saw each other a year ago from the excited squeals they’re exchanging yet they were together literally 24 hours ago. I stand awkwardly to the side while they gush about how each of them look really good and hug and giggle some more.

I clear my throat loudly and they turn to look at me like they’re only just noticing that I’m there.

“You know she’s taken right?” I joke gesturing over to Lyn and they burst out laughing.

“Yeah. But I choose to forget sometimes,” Lainey wiggles her eyebrows at me and I narrow my eyes at her earning another round of laughter from the two of them.

“Still the jealous boyfriend I see,” Lainey teases hugging me briefly. “Come on in. Dinner’s almost ready.” They walk in arm-in-arm and I follow behind them. A sausage-shaped dog bounds excitedly towards us and I watch Lyn freeze. She’s scared of dogs.

“Don’t worry about Sausage, he’s harmless,” Lainey assures her leaning down to pat the dog.

Of course its name is Sausage.

“Why the hell would you name a sausage-dog Sausage?” I ask pulling Lyn to me. She relaxes and gives me an appreciative smile as we make our way past the dog that’s nipping around her black heels that look pointy enough to pass for a knife. Honestly how she’s not leaving holes in the floor where she walks is a surprise to me.

“Because he’s a sausage dog, duh,” Lainey says rolling her eyes at me.

“Well I hope we’re not having sausages for dinner or the poor thing might be offended that we’re eating his cousins,” I smirk and Lyn laughs.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Lainey says shaking her head. A woman who looks a lot like Lainey walks up to us with a big smile on her face. I’m guessing it’s her mum.

“Mum you remember Kaitlyn right?” Lainey asks and her mother nods. I love Lyn’s full name but I love calling her Lyn even better especially because I’m the only one who does.

“Of course. It’s nice to see you again Kaitlyn. How are you?” Mrs Fields asks.

“I’m good thank you and thank you so much for having us,” Lyn says sweetly.

“It’s our pleasure,” Mrs Fields smiles back.

“And this is William…” Lainey begins with a smirk.

“Liam,” I interrupt glaring at her. I don’t really like my full name and Lainey knows it so she just said it to get a rise out of me.

“Like I was saying before Mr Sourpants here interrupted me, William is Katy’s boyfriend,” she says with a wide grin and Lyn tries and fails miserably to stifle a giggle.

“It’s nice to meet you Liam,” Mrs Fields says and I like her already for it.

“Pleasure’s all mine,” I genuinely smile at her and Lyn beams up at me proudly.

Mrs Fields leads us to the dining room table where a man, Mr Fields I’m assuming, is sitting reading a newspaper.

“Honey. Lainey’s friends are here,” Mrs Fields tells him. He puts his newspaper down and stands up to greet us. He shakes hands with Lyn and they exchange a few lines of pleasantries then his gaze falls on me and his eyes almost pop out of his head as he scans the black ink creeping up my neck and lining my hands. I lift an eyebrow at him and dare him silently to say something about my tattoos.

“Well you’re not quite what I expected,” he says still staring at me. I almost say something rude back but Lyn squeezes my arm and draws an invisible five in the palm of my hand. I take a deep breath remembering my promise to her.

“Pleasure to meet you. Name’s Liam,” I say. Well it’s not five words but at least I was pleasant. I deserve a damn Oscar for this.

“Liam. Is that short for William?” he asks as we shake hands.

“Yes,” I say through gritted teeth.

“Time for dinner,” Mrs Fields announces loudly, stopping her husband from interrogating me further. Lyn lets out a breath of relief as we sit and Lainey smiles widely like she’s watching a comedy unfold. Mrs Fields and Lainey bustle in with several dishes and set them neatly on the table then take their seats. Lainey is on the side opposite to where Lyn and I are sitting and her mother and father are at either end of the table. After Lainey says grace we each dish up a portion of food and dig in. The meal is accompanied by chatter mostly from Lainey and Lyn and occasionally Mrs Fields and Mr Fields contribute to the conversation. True to my word, I only say a few words when spoken directly to and I focus on my food.

“So Lyn. How are you enjoying your job? Lainey complains about it on occasion,” Mr Fields laughs and Lainey rolls her eyes at him.

“It’s not too bad I guess. It has its moments,” Lyn replies. I snort, a little louder than I had intended. I know for a fact that Lyn hates her job at the fish shop and only stays for the money and Lainey who’s only there for the money, her best friend and because she loves those weird fish they sell.

“And what about you Will? Where do you work?” he asks. I cringe at the name he addressed me by and Lyn chokes on the spoonful of rice she just ate. I hand her a glass of water and after she starts breathing normally again, I turn to Mr Fields to answer him. Lyn squeezes my thigh gently and I swallow the rude remark I wanted to make about him calling me Will.

“I’m a tattoo artist,” I say and Mr Fields laughs.

“Oh I asked about your job not your weird hobbies,” he chuckles.

“That is my job,” I say in a clipped tone. “I work in a tattoo shop.”

“He owns it actually,” Lyn pipes up smiling proudly at me and I momentarily forget my irritation at the man.

“But that’s not really a job. I mean, holding a gun and squirting ink on people’s skin hardly requires talent or skill or even an education,” Mr Fields goes on and my annoyance comes back in waves.

“Don’t,” Lyn whispers urgently to me.

“He practically just called me and my profession stupid,” I whisper back while Mrs Fields makes offers for dessert to change the subject.

“Just let it go, please,” Lyn begs and I relent.

Mrs Fields comes back with a tray filled with ice-cream, jelly and cake and Lyn’s eyes light up at the sight of cake. I swear she loves cake more than she does me. I don’t mind really, I love seeing her happy.

“So did you get into tattoos after you dropped out of school or something as a fallback plan?” Mr Fields asks and I see red.

“No. I do it so I can inflict pain on people without legal repercussions. It feeds my psychopathic killer tendencies,” I remark sarcastically. Lainey bursts out laughing, Mrs Fields’ eyes widen in shock, Mr Fields stares at me, mouth agape and Lyn steps on my foot. I feel a sharp pain on my foot and look down at my feet to find that Lyn’s heel sunk through the crappy old shoes she dug out of her brother’s closet for me to wear to this stupid ass dinner.

See I knew those heels were killer.

Lyn tries to pull her heel out of my shoe but it doesn’t budge and her efforts result in her bumping her leg into the table. The desert bowls tip over and the contents spill all over the table. A glob of jelly lands on Mr Fields’ forehead and I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips.

“Oh gosh. I am so so sorry,” Lyn apologizes. Mrs Fields waves the apology off with a smile and starts cleaning up the mess. Lyn tries to get up to help her, forgetting that her shoe is stuck in mine and her movements drag me to the side making me collide into her and we fall over to the side. She clutches the table cloth to try and gain balance and everything on the table lands on the floor around us. At this point, Lainey is practically rolling on the floor with laughter. Lyn covers her face and swears under her breath. I lick a bit of cream off her cheek and she peeks at me through her fingers.

“Maybe next time don’t wear the heels,” I suggest laughing and she joins in.

“Are you two okay down there?” Mrs Fields asks peering at us.

“The hors d’oeuvres were absolutely exquisite maam,” I say with a wide smile and Lyn giggles beside me while Mrs Fields stares at me in confusion. Sausage ambles close to us sniffing at the food on the floor and happily begins to devour a sausage.

Of course.

“Someone grab Sausage. He’s eating his cousin,” I smirk and even Mrs Fields laughs at this.


It’s been way too long. I’ve missed writing so much. So this was meant to be my short story for the #Humor genre of my #SelfChallenge but I don’t know, it didn’t feel humorous enough to me lool. Anyway for now, this will have to do. I hope you like it, I had fun writing it, the words surprisingly came easily.

This story is a little different from what I usually write because:

  1. It’s in a guys P.O.V which I have never done before (except for a 500 word one-shot) and I actually enjoyed it. It’s not perfect but I did try my best to keep Liam from sounding like a girl half the time haha, so yaay me.
  2. It’s in a tense that I’ve never used before. I’m going to confess that I’m a little clueless about the names of tenses, like I know there’s something called past-participle or present-participle or whatever and there’s a tense that I usually use (no clue what its called but it’s past-ish? I don’t know…) Anyway if you’ve been following my past posts, you’ll notice the difference in tenses. I think I may actually like this tense though so I’m going to be trying it out again soon (as soon as I find out what the hell it’s called haha).

I have some good news to share with you and I’m going to write a whole blog post about it soon so there’s that to look forward to hey. I can’t wait to share the news with you soon, hopefully you’ll be as excited as me about it (but if not, I’ll be excited enough for the lot of us lool).

Until next time lovelies!




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